Oct 7th 2016
The training went well. Frank was good really good, I learnt a lot myself and enjoyed very much. Widened my network too. I met a spiritual brother from Tanzania. We are so many and all over the world. It was nice having him around. He was calm and disciplined and I the opposite. Sometimes I think am too loud for a JW.
Been having issues lately. My past mistakes come to haunt me. Make me feel worthlesss and my service to God like a cover up and unacceptable. I give myself fully but wonder how people will react when they get to know what I have done and the skeletons I hide in my closet. How will they view my service and all the time I spent at the construction (of our place of worship) and even taking care of the construction team.
It makes me wanna stop everything and just coil back into a corner and forget it all.
But that would be a danger to me, and a roadway to making bigger mistakes.. though I doubt if there is gonna be a bigger mistake than what I have already done. So I’ll soldier on, give myself as much as I can, so when that time comes, the time that I dread so much, that time when all the skeletons will stumble out of the closet like zombies. …I will be spiritually strong and stable to handle and go through the storm with humility and dignity.
About Nicks, Yaaa, I like him, very much. But I feel like am not really the best for him. He’s really a spiritual person. He’s almost everything that I want. ..but am I everything that be wants? It scares me. I need to work on myself, my spirituality. ..but still I feel unable to make progress due to my skeleton. …it’s a cycle that I can’t break free.
Will be unfair to him, I would not do that to anyone. But how do I make everything right. The things I have done are just un imaginable, how could I tell on them? what would I say,? how would I say? How will I live after telling all? The embarrassment. The guilty, I will die . . most definitely. .. . Pls help me God.
I can feel that I am not okay, my spiritual routines are fading and it’s like my conscience cannot stop judging and condemning me.
I sometimes feel like I should just go back to where I belong, like am too bad for these. Like I’ll never belong or live by the laws and principle without ever straying.
But if I dare do that, I’ll hurt the people that I love, and mostly myself coz, I’ll go crazy. Having lost the most important relationship (with God) in my life I’ll have nothing to live for. Its a protection for me, because am the wild one. Living by principles help put girdle on myself and that way am guided. That helps me avoid so many negative things, hence live a beautiful satisfying life.
But with a guilty conscience. ..life is un-livable.
They say confession is good for the Soul one day one time I’ll redeam my soul …..
Looking forward to that day when I’ll wake up having put all this behind, then I will really give myself freely and find real joy.