Trace- Should I or should I not

I love daily prompts coz they make me write on issues that I would otherwise not.

So who do I want to trace today????

I lost my birth certificate, the one my mum got me before I joined highschool, and I am happy it got lost. In the place for my Father’s name it had been written… xxxxxxxxx. Really.xxxx gave birth to me. That’s me, never saw or ever heard my father being mentioned in all my childhood.

When my mum died, was just out of high school and as we were going through her stuff my siblings and I, collecting documents that belonged to each one of us, we came across my immunization/ postnatal care card. My sister read my father’s name aloud W.J, …will use initials. One of my aunts went like ” He used to be called like that”

My heart skipped a beat

That’s the first time I heard the mention of my father, at least then I knew I was birthed by a human with a name not an xxxx. I would trace him once I was done burying my mum.

During my mum’s burial, my grand pa took me by the hand and we walked to one of my grand uncles, his brother In-law and he asked him. ” Where is this girl’s father”

“He died long time ago” came his reply. He said it like it was nothing. Little did he know just how heartbroken his answer made me. That was the day I buried both my parents, one that I had lived with all my life and one that I had never met.

He lived in my hopes, had planned on looking for him once I was old enough to take care of myself. I know you are wondering why I never asked my mum about him. This was a forbidden topic. Even when I saw the XXX in my cert I never raised the question, I was grateful for the good life that she was providing and was hoping that one day when I get old enough she would tell me. She died with all that information, one of the reasons why I keep a journal.

But at least now my new birth certificate contains my father’s name at its rightful place. I still hold the hope of tracing his family- my family some day. Would like to know more about him, the kind of person he was and if I inherited any personality traits from him.

Am I incomplete as a person coz I know nothing (apart from name and that he’s dead) about the other person that contributed to my gaining life?  Would it make any difference to me if  I trace his/ my family and get to have a relationship with them?

I did shed a few tears when writing this, maybe the answers to the questions above is yes.

I will trace them some day.

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15 thoughts on “Trace- Should I or should I not

  1. it is sad not to know your Birth Family. I know cause I was adopted. When I found them my father was already dead but at least I get to see pictures of him. Funny when you are little the thing that bother you the most is when you hear a conversation near you like : ” O you have your father’s eyes” Then you realise that you have no idea whose eyes you have. On the other hand when I get to know my Birth family I realised that it was better that way. So I got some peace in the fact that sometimes it is better not to know them.
    Sorry for the long reply. Seams you hit a sore spot 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Wow, how beautifully poignant. Thank you for sharing this with us. I do hope that you find your father’s family some day. In the meantime, it seems like your mother did a great job of raising a beautiful woman.

    Liked by 1 person

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