‘You know my boy got a girl’.
Who? I asked.
You know who. …….Its the reason why I travelled to Nairobi over the weekend. We were going to visit the ladies parents. Its a done deal.
Why do I feel hurt when he already hurt me and I thought I was over it. Maybe because at the back of my mind I always thought he would come back to me, someday. I have been thinking about him so much lately. I had even prayed for a sign,,, a sign to signal me if i have to continue dreaming about us or stop and forget.
Now I got it , clear and loud. I had gone to help with Construction in Kibwezi and was hoping to get his number from D, his very good friend, the carrier of the bad news. From there my plan was to call him and hope he would be as happy to hear from me as I would. Its never gonna happen. He’s made his choice already and its not me. Just like Adele said’ she gave him what i could not’
This is the point where people say I am happy for him. But I do not have anything to say about that, I don’t know if I should be happy, angry, sad, vindictive. Should I wish them well or bad. I do not want to think about them. I have resigned to thinking about me. How I feel, how I should feel, and lessons learnt.
I did tell my friend yesterday and this morning she woke up hating him for me, I mean all that I need to feel about it, she’s feeling on my behalf. When he broke my heart, she was disgusted by him and from then on anytime I told her how much I still loved him, she openly showed her disgust towards him. I avoided the topic when talking to her. Should have taken her warning seriously.
I wish I felt what she does. Many have asked for my love, with so much to give but somehow I could not reciprocate, he’s been the reason. I wish I felt for them half of what I feel for him.
I miss being held in his strong arms, that is the one feeling that I will never forget. I somehow thought that I would have that forever. Its one good memory to keep, and one hell of a story to tell.
I still feel he’s gonna be mine, why can’t I accept the fact that he’s gone, when am I gonna accept it,, may be never, maybe soon.
Even in my wildest day dreams, years to come when am married with a family, he still creeps in, as a neighbour or something. I am not ready to let him go, at least not in my fantasies.
Happy I did meet love, at least I know what love feels like, when another comes , I will know exactly what it is.
I still love him.